Go to Bed Mad

I'm giving you permission here: Go to bed mad. Its okay. 

We've all heard the adage "Don't go to bed mad". And in most Christian circles that is fueled by Ephesians 4:26, "Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger" (CSB). For most people the idea is that if you go to bed angry you're just brushing it under the rug and forgetting about this issue at hand. And I get it. As humans we want to solve problems, and we want them solved quickly. But not everything is solvable. 

Early on in our marriage, Justin and I would stay up all night long going in circles of arguments because we didn't want to go to bed angry. There were so many tired nights that we got nothing accomplished whatsoever because we were too tired to thoughtfully consider the other person's point of view. 

Here's what I'm NOT saying: 

I'm not saying that you need to brush your problems under the rug and just move on. 

What I am saying is that there is a time and a place to pick your battles. When you're tired is not one of those times. 

When you're tired your emotions are heightened. You over-feel everything. What may be a minor disagreement in the moment quickly can turn into a screaming match and slammed doors because you were too tired. The more exhausted you get, the less your brain is able to appropriately regulate emotions. When you're tired your brain beings lacking the ability to understand what is fact and what is simply emotion. You lose the ability to figure out what emotions are rational and what ones are irrational. To your sleep deprived brain, every single emotional is a rational response. Furthermore, you get more defensive when you're tired. You stop being able to listen to your partner's point of view; especially if their point of view has to do with a reaction to one of your actions. Then your eyes start playing tricks you on, and you begin to think that your partner is making facial reactions that they may not be making. Yes, it's happened to us many, many times. Overall, when you're tired, you can't fight fairly. 

When Ephesians says "Don't let the sun go down on your anger", the Apostle Paul wasn't saying that you aren't allowed to go to bed angry. He was saying that you need to be forgiving of your spouse. You need not brush the issue under the rug, but rather deal with it in a timely manner. A timely manner doesn't mean it has to be before you go to sleep at night. As women, we tend to talk out our feelings. We may not have everything figured out when we're exhausted and arguing with our husband. Sometimes  I need to take a step back and phone a friend just to have someone to let me sort my feelings out. This DOES NOT mean you divulge all your feelings to your friend and never bring them to your spouse. What it means is that men and women have different brains - and as a result of our difference, God wired us differently. Generally speaking, as women we let all of our thoughts run together. We can see how every single issue connects to every other area of our lives, much like a tangled spider web. Men see only the issue at hand. They see that you're upset because he came home from the office late and didn't call. That is the only issue, that he didn't call. However, to you, you see that he didn't call. Because he didn't call you prepared dinner to be ready when he got home and now its cold because he's an hour late ; the kids are crying now because they are overly hungry and its getting close to their bed time ; and to you, it feels like him not letting you know he was late threw off the entire night. But to him, he just sees that he came home late. Men tend to focus on one thing at a time while women tend to be expert multitaskers. And because we multitask we tend to be pushy with our feelings and how that one feeling affects everything else. Sometimes calling one of my best friends helps me sort out what I'm feeling out of emotion and what I'm justly feeling because of those emotions. We have to take the time to control our emotions before we bring our feelings to the table. 

As Ann Voskamp so kindly put it "compassion heals what condemnation never could". When you're tired you're simply condemning your spouse & you'll fail to come to the table with grace and compassion. 

Today I'm simply going to encourage you; go to bed angry. Give yourself time to fully process your thoughts and feelings. Allow yourself to decide what is a rational feeling and what may be irrational (or an overreaction). Allow yourself space to process - this is key. Then, when you have fully thought through your feelings go to your husband and explain how you felt and why. This will save you both a few hours of lost sleep, but it will also save you a lot of frustration because you'll be able to express yourself without feeling all of your emotions for the first time. 

Heres a tip though: while I do feel its okay to go to bed angry, I will not encourage you to brush it under the rug just to save an argument. Couples don't grow without arguments, they're going to happen. But there is a way to fight fairly and effectively. Knowing how you feel before going into the conversation is one of those ways. Sometimes, harder conversations will take a few more talks to get through than others. Its okay to realize when an argument is getting heated and take a time out. Simply let your spouse know that you want to be respected and you want to be respectful and you need to put the discussion on hold until tomorrow. But always, always, always schedule a time to come back to it. 

These things aren't always solved overnight. And it always looks a lot easier on paper than it is to apply to your life. Don't be scared if it doesn't workout the first try and you explode. I've had many of those nights. But, practice saying, "I'm really tired right now and I'd like to talk tomorrow." 

I'm always open to hearing if you've tried this or hearing your thoughts! Comment on this post or follow @wifeofgrace on IG to participate in the discussion!